Tag Archives: self loathing

I don’t want to be this way anymore.

I don’t want to be here again. That scared little girl, diving and clinging to any little shred of affection tossed my way. I don’t want to go back to grotesquely unrealistic romanticism of how this should go. Planning our life together before he even decides to give me a second look, overly charming and hiding my desperation. The desperation to feel close to someone. To dote on and put my energy into the happiness of someone else so I can block out the complete failure of my own. The insistence to put up with any misgivings to feel any spark of acknowledgment. Of acceptance. Of validation, superficial though it may be.
I don’t want to be completely crushed when the real world never lives up to my illogical idea of love.
I don’t want to feel the collapse of my strength back into that pit I so lovingly call my self. Hungry and greedy for any excuse to be called “no good”, starving for a chance bombard my psyche with every reason I will never be pretty enough, smart enough, worth a damn at all.
I don’t want to be this way anymore.

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