Tag Archives: poetry

Alien

It’s a shame I can’t be more consistent with my blogging, but I try not to be too hard on myself. My moods have been all over the place lately. Most recently, yesterday, I was paranoid, suicidal and dissociating to an extreme. Derealization and depersonalization became a constant. At one point my vision became blurred and I felt content to sink faster into nothingness, let my body go vacant. Wait for someone more capable to come and take over.

Have you ever felt unwelcome in the body you’ve always been told is yours and yours alone? The anxiety builds and my skin crawls, like I’m an intruder in this place and it’s real inhabit is ready to return. It’s an uncomfortable feeling to know you should be breaking through this shell, content to be weightless among a dense sky, brilliant and fleeting. But something went wrong, you can’t seem to break free. This heavy flesh weighs you down and you fear it will become your tomb. Each day your brilliance shines a little less, each day you pick hopelessly at this pelt, pinching, biting, scratching. Knowing it’s not what you were meant for. Knowing you are alien to this body and it wants you out of it just as much as you do. 

Until one day you just stop shining all together. 

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borderline feelings

 

I am bursting with excessive passion and nothing excites me

Pinpointing every emotion bleeding from my temporal lobes while fighting through the fog of dullness

There is no energy left in my body as I am crawling up the walls with anxious uncertainty

I feel nothing while I am feeling everything

Captivate as I evade, center of attention in the corner 

Heart exposed and full while the door is locked from the inside

indebted to those who love me with conviction that I am scorned

I am the true walking contradiction that has been contemplated for decades

 

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A masochist’s love song

I curse this volatile mind, one that finds bliss in lacerations of flesh

fabrications of my own dismembered body. this I dream

I find comfort in plasma, pouring from an open wound

I conjure images, belly slit, unfurling intestines, soft and warm in my palms

My body is a vessel, it’s privilege knows no bounds

But I am a masochist

and my pleasure lies in it’s demise

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for you

lean onto me, beautiful

hand me your heart, I’ll make it work

rhythmic beats, I’ll keep the time

relinquish your blood, I’ll compose it’s path

uninterrupted, I’ll make it flow

entrust me your voice, I’ll guide the air through your lungs

when you’re too tired to whisper, I’ll help you speak

 

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I can’t write poetry before one am

Endless nights of eyes screwed shut

I obsess, I digress from my sleeping patterns

The beasts from my innocence are clearer to me now

revealing themselves as worry, doubt and instability

They gather around my bed, pulling at my hair, grasping for my eyes

They establish a stronghold in my body

They make my heart pound, thoughts race, pulse beat through my fragile skin

deep blue through pale 

Sleep won’t come easy for a while

I wrote this at two am while I battled my anxious mind. It seems every time I lay down it’s the same. Check the time, toss, turn, repeat. Then my brain starts moving and words start coming to a head. I drive myself up the proverbial wall if I don’t get the ideas out. They’re pretty at first, anxious to be out of the tangled mess I call a mind. They’re inpatient though, if I don’t work fast enough they turn to acid in my brain. Corroding the thought process, filling me with apprehension. So, as usual I am up by nine with coffee in hand waiting for my day to begin.  

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questionable

thoughts simple and complex are reverberating 

my skin is aching to be ripped to shreds

nervous energy pouring out of the seams 

my body can’t understand the calm nature of this world

body shakes, fingers tremble, pounding on my head

RELAX relax RELAX

the word has no meaning, question it’s legitimacy 

pulling hair, grinding teeth, jaw aches

BE NORMAL

question it’s substance

break what you love, not a second thought or third or fourth

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Who Am I

I am the petulant screaming child

desperate for your attention and approval

I am clinging, clawing at your soul trying to bring it into my own

I am the volatile protector

cued in to every disparaging remark, ready to pounce with poison tongue

I am angry before I can think, I am unstable

I am a vacant hollow shell

made up of the precise organs, but no self to speak of

I am distracted, distant and lost

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