I don’t want to be this way anymore.

I don’t want to be here again. That scared little girl, diving and clinging to any little shred of affection tossed my way. I don’t want to go back to grotesquely unrealistic romanticism of how this should go. Planning our life together before he even decides to give me a second look, overly charming and hiding my desperation. The desperation to feel close to someone. To dote on and put my energy into the happiness of someone else so I can block out the complete failure of my own. The insistence to put up with any misgivings to feel any spark of acknowledgment. Of acceptance. Of validation, superficial though it may be.
I don’t want to be completely crushed when the real world never lives up to my illogical idea of love.
I don’t want to feel the collapse of my strength back into that pit I so lovingly call my self. Hungry and greedy for any excuse to be called “no good”, starving for a chance bombard my psyche with every reason I will never be pretty enough, smart enough, worth a damn at all.
I don’t want to be this way anymore.

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13 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

13 responses to “I don’t want to be this way anymore.

  1. This post literally spoke to my sole. I can relate to this deep need for affection. Take care

    you are not alone
    xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. sophielia

    Gosh this really hits home.. :\

    Like

  3. I can so relate. Without people, validation, I feel empty, like a big nothing, a void. I only feel as good as my last conversation. Much love. You aren’t alone. x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know it’s possible to love yourself and build your self-esteem without outside help. I just don’t know how. If I hadn’t had the help of the people I love, I don’t think I’d be here any more. The fact that you’re still here despite your parents, your ex, and your disorder, is amazing. You’re incredibly strong. You just have to deal with a lot more shit than most people. Please don’t give up. This dream of becoming someone who doesn’t need outside validation would be true already if you didn’t have so much crap to deal with. And life can’t keep throwing it at you forever – it goes against the laws of probability.

    I’ve been doing better recently. I’m not quite out of the pit yet, but I can see daylight. If I can give you a hand from up here, just let me know. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. As I grew out of my 20s and into my 30s, became older and perhaps wiser, underwent years and years of psychotherapy, and eventually after a particularly severe and debilitating depression turned to psychiatry and medication, my choices changed. I started to love and accept myself and my parents, and I made a better choice in the man I loved. Rather than falling in love with men I knew were wrong for me, I chose a man who I love more now than ever. Most of all, he adores me. He is devoted. Real love is possible. Possible not just for me, but for each and every one of us. Lasting love is not easy, it takes work. The partners are not perfect. There are times, years even, when it does not seem worth it. Storms are weathered, and love grows, deepens.

    I wish you the best. I offer you hope. Hope that your future can be better than your past. And, I state uncategorically that you are a stunning, brilliant, and caring young woman worthy of true and devoted love. I send you my love, the love of an almost total stranger who recognizes in your writing artistry, intelligence, and a truly beautiful soul.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hearing you and thinking of you

    Like

  7. It’s incredibly hard to contemplate both allowing someone to become so important to you and losing them at the same time because that is what our disorder does — it makes us accept things we shouldn’t, bury our concerns no matter how legitimate and then wait until they decide we aren’t as exciting/sexy/independent as we were when they first met us — and the inevitable leaving. Pulling yourself together yet again to face it yet again becomes an increasingly exhausting prospect.

    Sorry to be depressing hun .. hope you are feeling better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are worthy, just as you are, not because of who you’re with. You are loved for yourself. I pray, the day comes when the grip on your soul let’s up. I pray for the day you know in your heart and soul, you can take the next step with the weight of your illness. It’s a lifelong struggle battling the illness we carry around. We know it’s not going anywhere, we have to build up our strength to manage not let it manage us. You know me, I’m not preaching to anybody, I have my own baggage. I turned 51 last month, it’s been tough lately yet a number or name of an illness doesn’t define me. I have my days for sure, we always will. I just have a few more years to build my strength and support system. I’m a part of your support system, you’re my Sister. Take me hand, bend my ear anytime 24/7. I’m here for you. Hugs. :)

    Like

  9. Nemya

    Hi girlie! I was thinking about ya so I wanted to pop in. I hope you are well :)

    Like

  10. Hope you’re okay love, really miss your presence in the blogosphere! xxx

    Like

  11. Manic Cotton Candy

    Hey! I hope you’re doing okay. I miss reading your posts and feeling less alone with my bullllshit. Don’t let it get you down, you’re amazing.

    Like

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