I can feel the wave of intense emotion crashing just behind my skin and I know that soon it will overtake me. Soon I will be choking on the salty water, flooding my airways with suffocating depression.

I know this comes, I know it’s a part of the process. I can only fly so high for so long, but it’s like every time I forget the immensity of it all. I recall thoughts only days ago, “perhaps I’m not so sick”. Then it curls it’s sickening familiar fingers around my chest. I will become lost in this, I forget completely what happiness and hopefulness consists of.

I plead with the shot caller inside my head. Please, one more day? I’ll make it up to you. I’ll stay in bed twice as long this time, I promise. I know this pain is what you feed off of. I’ll give you it all tomorrow, I swear. Trust me.

I’m not listening to myself. My saline behind my eyes burn and the urge to medicate to unconsciousness burns brighter than I remembered it could. I’m losing the battle with my own mind.



Filed under Mental Illness

17 responses to “crashing

  1. I’m sorry that you are having a hard time. My thoughts are with you.


  2. so hauntingly beautiful even though I know your in a tough spot. Thanks for sharing these words.


  3. I can relate and I’m so sorry you are in this space. :(


  4. Beautifully an movingly written. You truly have a gift with the written word. Thank you for sharing your pain so poignantly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


  5. My doctor would tell me, you fall as high as you get. It’s hard to want to level out because you don’t know when the Black Dog is coming back. It has taken me years to take a pulse of how I’m doing. You’re still withdrawing the last of the antidepressant. Are you seeing a Therapist? I’ve know you for a short time, without question you’re smart, educated on your illness and most important you’re a Survivor. Hold my hand, take some deep breaths and if possible write out some positive affirmations. It might help you see another side of yourself (that you don’t yourself credit for) and we are always need to pat ourselves on the back. I’m learning to take compliments,our group is good at giving them out. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m sure there is a tie to my background. That’s the topic a tomorrow during my session. I haven’t read you other post yet, you may be hearing from me again. You have a support system.We’re not about to letting you wing it on your own. Sweet dreams. XO


  6. Beautifully and so poignantly written. I’m sorry you are in this place though x <3


  7. Mandi

    Damn! Everyone is different of course, but I can relate. I’m angry that it is the way it is and angry that you’re at that place now. I hope and pray that you’ll find something to grab on to before that dark closes in.


  8. I’m just back from holiday at my mum’s and still on the high, but I know that as soon as the pressure comes back, it’ll crush me. The worst thing is that the pressure comes from me – I’m the only one putting pressure on myself. That thought – “maybe I’m not so ill” – is, ironically, what gives my mind permission to judge and pile the pressure on, essentially keeping me ill. It’s such a shitty vicious circle. Don’t hate yourself for it. You know the bad phase will end just as the good phase did, so all you have to do it wait it out… and try to be patient with yourself. Good luck. I still haven’t learned. xx


  9. Thinking of you and wishing you a soft landing.


  10. I can definitely relate to that. For me the highs are always supernatural, much too good to be reality. I get hyperactive, do all sorts of things at once because I’m in such a great mood. Maybe it’s just that exhaustion kicks in after a while, but then most certainly every time the tide comes back and with it fatigue, annoyance about literally everything, anger at everyone. That’s the moment I start throwing suicide threats around, nag people about not caring the least about me and sometimes hurt myself just to take that emotional pain away just for a few seconds.

    I know it’s really, really tough and I’m sorry you have to experience this challenging way of living too.


  11. Take care of yourself….hope you feel better soon!


  12. i feel like you could help me out, and some of the things that i think in my head. like you, i have bpd, ocd and ptsd myself. I would like some of your input on keeping your relationship under control.


  13. What is going on? I haven’t talked with you is ages. I see the same post. Is taking care of your grandmother requiring more time? Drop me a line. I’m worried about you. Hugs.


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