Guilty

I am unhappy with myself right now. I can’t explain what came over me the other night besides that it felt as if another person stepped inside my head and filled it with rage. I remember fighting with my parents, but the exact trigger has escaped me, if I ever really contemplated it at all. Death threats were screamed and accusations hurled. I told them they were the reason I have borderline personality disorder, that raising me in a bar fucked me up.

My mother’s response? “A lot of people are alcoholics now a days, it’s not a big deal”. I don’t remember much after that either besides more blood curdling screams escaping my lips. I barricaded myself in my room, as if they would try to come up and check on me. Spoiler alert, they didn’t. And then it happened. I relapsed. In the past three years I have cut myself maybe ten times. I can’t account for the other ways I harm myself, as those are much more common place. I bite and scratch and tare and bruise, but I hardly ever cut. That night I cut myself six times on my thigh and jabbed a pin so hard into my wrist bone that it got stuck, twice. It’s still sore. I couldn’t really move it for an entire day.

The physical pain is nothing compared to the guilt and shame I feel. Shame that I suffer from such a strong inability to control my emotions. Guilt that I don’t try harder to hang on to my sanity as I watch it slip away. I just let go and let the rage boil my blood til it’s all I can see. Til I have no filter, til I’m spilling out every painful word I can muster up in my convoluted mind.

I wish I wasn’t me.

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23 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

23 responses to “Guilty

  1. Sunshine

    so sorry sweetie… emotions are part of my “bitch” files. When shit is about to hit the fan, I use this imaginary trunk I have and put them in.. if that don’t work I go for a walk or write…kinda like you did – never feel ashamed or guilty for being. hugs <3

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  2. Hil

    This is heartbreaking. You don’t deserve to feel this way. Thank you for sharing such a deep, dark place with us – I can imagine it’s not easy to do so but you do with such heartfelt emotion. I know what it’s like to have parents who act as if you’re the one in the wrong, the dramatic one. It’s such a lonely feeling. <3 <3

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  3. Art Mowle

    Sorry kiddo. I shared an apartment with a cutter in rehab and I know how difficult it can be. God bless and feel better
    Hugs
    Art

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  4. I know this was a hard thing to share. I’m so sorry that you feel this way. My thoughts are with you. <3

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  5. Guilt is crippling. Let it go. Make amends if you need to, and then let it go. Because keeping it, compounds it.

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  6. I hope that you can forgive yourself and start fresh with each day. Try to hang into hope and keep working at it.
    It’s not your fault. I have to remind myself of that daily.
    It’s an illness, that you didn’t ask for , and it can control you without your permission, like a cancer.
    I understand , and I feel for you. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    We all slip up.

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  7. I’ll start by reaching out, holding your hand and giving you a Texas size hug. You can only control your emotions. The complex relationship with your mother is compounded by living there. You’re under stress taking care of your grandmother, shit hit the fan. It won’t be the last exchange. Guilt is a burden that many mentally ill or abused carry around. My father was my abuser but when he committed suicide, I still have quilt. I’m learning about your disorder and can’t talk specific to it. I haven’t cut myself since 6th grade with the intention of dying. Do you only cut yourself when things get way out of control and hurtful words exchanged? Do you have ways to de-stress and hopefully not cut? I care and I don’t know how to help since this is not my area. Do you know why you cut? Is it an accurate statement to say when are down and get extremely angry or hurt is when you cut? What can I do to help you? You have the degree, what can you do to prevent putting gasoline on the fire? I know you know the answer’s, the answer’s don’t help or come to mind when a situation that heated is going on. Do you and your mother talk later or apologize to each other. I realize an alcoholic makes things pretty crazy. I’ve been thinking about you and will check in to see how you are doing. Love you XO

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  8. Don’t be too hard on yourself (I know it’s easier said than done).
    I’m sorry I don’t have many words at hand tonight, but I am thinking about you, and hope you feel more in control soon. Don’t look at this as a failure, but something to learn from. <3

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  9. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a very rough time again, I hope it will get bette soon. My thoughts are with you, never give up xx

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  10. Manic Cotton Candy

    Sorry you’re in such a bad place. I’ve honestly been there. Don’t let yourself be guilty, just write about it, figure out what you would have should have done differently and try your hardest to learn from it. I don’t know you but I think we’d be friends. Stay strong dearest.

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  11. I hope you are in psychotherapy and can share this with your therapist. As others have suggested, forgive yourself. You know you cannot change the alcoholics in your life, but you must learn to protect yourself from them. Talk in therapy about how to do so. Is this living situation the best for you? Unfortunately, sometimes living in an alcoholic household is the best option we have at the time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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    • Thank you very much for your kind words. I am not actually in therapy right now, not really feasible til I’m back in school. I also don’t have anywhere else to live and no money! It’s not so bad if they’re sober. It’s the best I can do right now.

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      • Then try to hole up in your room as the drinks add up. Use the excuse that you’re tired it have a headache. When do you plan to go back to school? How about a free clinic? NAMI?

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  12. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is a nasty to place to be. I do really understand and and am thinking of you. Hugs, Ellie xxx <3

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  13. So sorry that you feel this way. As others have already said, please don’t feel guilty. Hope things look brighter for you soon. We’re all here for you x

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  14. To put it simply that sounds shit! But you SHOULD NOT feel guilty. Not one bit. Give it time :)

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  15. Don’t let yourself focus on the “If only I tried harder” train of thought. It’s a bunch of bullshit. Yes, we can manage our mental health through healthy decisions and whatnot, but we’re humans, and deeply flawed humans at that. It’s hard to be in control, one hundred percent of the time.

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    • Thank you, darling. You are absolutely right. It’s a Shame that my disorder focuses so much of my energy on blaming myself and putting myself down. It’s not easy but I’m trying to direct it into something productive !

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  16. Obviously there are a lot of people here supporting you. Count me among them. You deserve it.

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  17. Be easier on yourself, Kiddo…please…

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  18. memyselfandmymentalillness

    I really hope you’re okay, I’ve been in the same state before, but you’ve just got to remember relapses do happen, you have to focus on the fact you can get through it. stay strong lovely xx

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