Adult Child of Alcoholics

Three hours at the bar, you stumble in after slamming on the door repeatedly even though I told you it was open.

You look at me and tell me I am completely useless. Unwarranted, unprovoked. “Can’t even get off her fat ass” you cackle as you lose your footing for a moment. It doesn’t matter that I got up, that I unlocked the door like you asked, that I told you three times it was open. It doesn’t matter.

This is why I have xanax, This is why I fall asleep with a blade in my bed. This is why I stab myself with needles and punch my head til I swell up and bruise.

This is why I hate myself with every cell I posses. 

I hear you laughing now, you saw me cry and it makes you laugh. My emotional instability fuels you, it always has. You both find pleasure in my inability to cope, my sensitivity.

I am my family’s biggest joke. Look at her, face stained with saline. Look at her with her self esteem puddled around her feet.

She will never be as strong as us and for that reason, she is nothing.

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10 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

10 responses to “Adult Child of Alcoholics

  1. It is a shame you cannot choose your family before you enter into it. I am so sorry.

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  2. You deserve more. I’m sorry.
    And I think they’re wrong – you’re stronger.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That must HURT. But you survived. You’re here and you’re helping others.

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  4. You are no one’s joke. You are brave for even writing this.

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  5. Sunshine

    Very strong for a tiny lady! Love the hair n smile btw! :-)

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  6. You must love yourself. Please stop the self abuse. You cannot control them, but you can make loving choices for yourself. I send you my love as a fellow survivor. Loving and/or living with an alcoholic is painful.

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  7. My wish for you is that you get to a point where your hurtful family members stop having so much power over your emotions and beliefs about yourself. They don’t deserve that much power. You don’t deserve for them to keep hurting you.

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  8. It takes great courage and strength to write your heart on these posts and I admire it. You are a beautiful young lady.
    My thoughts are with you.

    Like

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