True to my name

I have been a very inconsistent blogger, this I know. You can’t hold it against me though, I am very upfront about my short comings.

I have allowed myself to wallow in my depression for the past few days. Some may say that is unhealthy, but I find it’s important to let myself indulge in my misery or else I will constantly be anxiously fighting it and losing. I just need to succumb sometimes, let it wash over me. I have immersed myself enough for now and I am now ready to clear my head of negativity.

There has been some minor setbacks on my road to success and I am attempting to not let them overcome me. I have this voice in my head, I suppose it’s me. I’ve heard it referred to as negative self talk and it’s a bitch. We all do it, we curse ourselves a little after having that second slice of cake. When it comes to people with borderline personality disorder we do it so often and so viciously that it becomes more reality than our subconscious mind. When the stress becomes too much, as it had this week, a voice berates me on a constant loop. “You are not good enough” “You should just kill yourself” “Grab that razor and punish yourself, you don’t deserve to be happy”. It’s not pretty and it’s hard to control. It depends how badly I’ve fucked up, though my definition of fucking up is anything at all. I am astronomically hard on myself and I know it shows. If my outsides reflected my inner struggled I’d be covered in lashes and contusions. You’d see every little mistake I’ve made magnified tenfold on my self esteem, what little there is.

I am trying my best to go easy, I am trying my best to love myself. How do you go about minimizing self hatred that’s been boiling under your skin for two decades?

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12 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

12 responses to “True to my name

  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way Allie. Just want to say you’re amazing and a wonderful writer. (And amazing people are often hard on themselves).

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  2. deepbluesandseafoamgreens

    Aww *hugs*
    I’ve had an abysmal week too. I’ve made certain things..held razors and don’t stuff but above all, I’ve never cried in my entire life as much as I have these past few days. I don’t like crying. At all. It freaks me out.
    But although I don’t mean to glamorise it, I see what you mean when letting yourself immerse in the misery. Sometimes it’s toooo overwhelming and you’ve got to try and reason with it.
    I wish I could love myself. But I don’t.
    Hearing you trying your best though…that made me smile. :)

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  3. I agree that sometimes you need to let it wash over you. Be kind to yourself, rest where you can, crawl under the duvet and hide if need be – I tend to take a valium and sleep it away, safer that way. Trying your best is all that anyone can ask of you. How to go about loving ourselves? I think when the frame of mind isn’t there you just simply can’t. I try to love myself when my mind allows me, do nice things for myself but I know that if I tried to pamper myself on a bad day it would just come around negative. Ride the wave and love yourself on the other side.

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  4. I can relate to what you’ve just described. Sometimes I feel I just have to go through the motions, let the bad stuff swallow me up, wash over and then it passes and I can pick up and start again. It is hard getting past the negative feelings towards oneself. I don’t know how. I try to love me. but this is not easy. I am hard on me too. Knowing all this doesnt make it easier. What I find is support and connecting with others who can empathise is encouraging. And that’s something, to start with:)

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  5. LADY. I feel ya. Negative self-talk, or self-hate, is like my shadow, especially when it comes to relationships. I have way too high standards for myself. For me it helps to stick to facts, although it’s hard. Much peace x

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  6. I treat myself hon pay the rent and bills after groceries sometimes its rolo ice cream other times flowers but most of all since i self hate my face it is face product to massage and color and get healthy looks at who I realy am. Sometimes its the tummy lol thats the ice cream which requires long walks with my camera another little treat to help me hear I am beautiful I am worth it and damn it I am fucking smart. Nina

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  7. breakdownchick

    I TOTALLY can relate!!! I learned in therapy that we have different selves,.I learned that side of me is some sort of protector….I try to befriend my “bitch”,,,
    and thank her for her opinion and then I tell her she doesn’t need to do that anymore….I got it! Good luck and Hang in there.

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  8. Trying to find something comforting to say, but I can’t. I know what it’s like, though, when the smallest thing sets you off, and I understand the need to let yourself wallow a bit – my therapist even said I had to accept it sometimes. xx

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  9. It’s posts like this that make you my favorite blogger.

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