I can’t title this

Today has been a bad day to be a woman with BPD. I’m well aware there are plenty of men with borderline personality, but god damn it when I get my period all hell breaks lose. My hormones exasperate all my symptoms, especially my absolute hatred for myself. I’ve spent an entire day picking apart every inch of my flimsy substance.

Not to mention how I felt after I read this article. Please, read this with care. It is an absolute piece of trash and completely degrading to mental illness and the entire female gender. It made me feel low, lower than low. I know that it’s all just hateful slander and I know I’ll never meet these men and they will never know how wonderful of a person I can be. But then there is the much louder voice in my head that reads so many of those lines and know I’ve been that girl. I have hurt people. I act like a child. I am unstable. Maybe they’re right.

I am an absolute bummer right now.  I can’t promise myself I won’t use destructive coping measures, but I will do my best to use the least harmful. I wish I could just be fucking happy for an extended period of time. I’d take a week, I really would. I’m so sick of being thrown into a vortex of suffering over every little misstep. I’m going to take a Xanax and make a pros and cons list of why I should be alive. Order calms me down since there is so little of it in my head.

Don’t worry about me. 

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20 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

20 responses to “I can’t title this

  1. You can be happy for long periods of time,,, Keep striving for it. Keep searching and you will find it possible… You have to be diligent about seeking answers and self care: Vitamins, exercise, outdoors time, treat your self to something special. Your worth it!
    love and light
    michelle

    Liked by 1 person

  2. haddyism

    I feel worried about you. I’m sorry about that article, I hope you’re ok.

    Like

  3. Keep working at healing. You will get there!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. gophergold

    Here’s a reason to live: You don’t want the asshats at returnofkings.com to win!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. At least there are cooler people in the comments. But hon, if the article is titled “Don’t Date A Girl With BPD” you *know* it’s written by a piece of dick scum and you shouldn’t read it. I know it’s hard not to… I’d be hard pressed not to read an article entitled “Don’t Date A Depressed Girl” and it would put me in a rage all day, but we’ve gotta remember that if you look hard enough (ie – not that hard) you’ll find all sorts of fucked up shit on the Internet claiming that some group or other – who can’t help what they are – should be marginalized even more than they are already. And when it’s to do with mental illness, you can’t even say “I’m proud to be….” like when you’re black or gay, because we’re not proud to be mentally ill, it’s no fun and we want rid of it.

    What you can be proud of is the fact that you’re in a relationship, you’ve managed to keep a boyfriend who, from your articles, sounds incredibly sweet. And he’s still there! You must be doing something right. There must be something about you that makes him think it’s worth all the stuff you throw at him – something as good as your mood swings are bad. Something really, really awesome.

    You should be proud of your videos and your blog, because I only had the vaguest idea of what BPD was before and now I’m learning about it thanks to you, and if I ever meet someone with it, I’ll recognize it and not get too upset about that person’s reactions. You’re educating people! Even if it’s just a few people, it’ll have consequences on other people with BPD half-way across the world that you don’t even know.

    You should be proud of your decision to get off the meds, because it’s not an easy decision to make, and you should be proud that you lasted this long already, even if you end up needing to start again. Next time you’ll last longer. I’m back on mine… they’re weaker though. :) Love xx

    Like

  6. Mandi

    I’ve had 3-4 different people comment on my blog that would love to see me die. They don’t know me, just know I have BPD. One said to burn in hell, another compared me to Hitler… A guy commented several times about a woman I guess he knew who had BPD and had just killed herself, how delighted he was. (and how I should just do the same now since I would eventually anyway) He even posted on her obituary page links to youtube video’s like “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. At first I was just shocked, I mean people don’t normally tell me to fucking die already. Out loud anyway! So of COURSE I had to search online and REALLY wish I hadn’t. I haven’t read the article but have a good idea what it’s about. I think a lot of the people who have had the really bad experiences must have dealt with a psychopath, not borderline, from the way they talk. Ya, I can be a pain in the ass for SURE, I’m hard on myself but know I’m not what those people talk about and neither are you! Articles like that and what people say still shock me, but I think it more pisses me off. First because it’s spreading terrible ignorance, second because it DOES get to me and others at times. Of course those sites don’t talk about how things like that can send someone into a downward spiral, which for me has usually ended up in a lot of pain and self harming. Questioning everything.

    Sorry, way long comment. Just want you to know that I can relate and wish you didn’t feel the way you do, I hope today is better! (and that you have short periods)

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much Mandy, what you said really made me see how silly I was being. It just sucks when people speak about us like that. There’s so many beautiful people with bpd, I hope I can make the world see that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mandi

        You aren’t being silly. :) It’s really hard to hear stuff like that, especially when you’re not feeling good to begin with!

        Like

    • Wow someTHING actually wrote something like that on your blog!? Holy Kennedy that is unbelievable, and should be enough of a reason for certain people to have to keep their opinions to themselves. I don’t know you but I am very sorry to hear that goes on…how pathetic.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mandi

        Very pathetic for sure. Here’s a link to one of them. I later found out after this post that “Amy Harper Valentine”, the supposed name of the person who commented, is actually the name of the woman who died. http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2013/05/25/fucking-mental-cases-you-borderlines-deserve-to-die/
        It must be horrible living with all that hate, eating them alive. The guy commented awhile later with part of her recent obituary and a few times other places. Really terrible. A completely different person commented on that post as well. “Victim of a Borderline”. Part of the paragraph… “you may as well form a support group for child rapists who eat their own flesh”. And they say WE’RE crazy! Some of the less extreme stuff gets to me but that kind of stuff is just beyond messed up!

        Like

      • Wow. ..that’s telling…how sad…sucks to be that guy…damn!

        Like

      • Mandi

        For sure, ughh

        Like

  7. savingmommyblog

    Return of Kings, that whole blog is trash!

    I so sorry you feel this way. Hope you can stay safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sunshine

    Hang in there kiddo…we love you and you are a wonderful person! <3

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Some people are dicks. Don’t worry about what they think of people and things they don’t understand.

    Like

  10. “Don’t worry about me…”
    …easy for you to say…
    much more difficult to actually execute after reading your post, Firefly…
    Like our other sister up there said, hang in there…and for God’s sake – go easy on yourself will you?

    Like

  11. Many people would be surprised, but most actually find making a pros and cons list will help them get through a particular rough patch they might be going through. Of course it doesn’t cure permanently. It helped me out for about a week and now I’m right back in the slump I’ve been in for the past five years. Efff Uuuuuuuuu BPD.
    And don’t bother what that post. Nobody knows you but you.
    – Derek

    Like

  12. Thanks for this………….

    Like

  13. You can be happy. Reach out to the people that support and love you. Everyone gets unhappy, just strive to be better. I feel the same way sometimes but there are reasons for the things that happen. I am dealing with a hell of a lot right now and sometimes it feels too much to bare but trust me things will get better.

    Like

  14. I’ve been thinking about you. I read the article, some dude who thinks he’s got game. His ingnorance will keep him from meeting great women which he does not deserve. Take care , let me know how it’s going.

    Like

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