Have you ever fought back tears so wrought with anger and resentment that they physically hurt your eyes? Do you sometimes feel like the pain inside you could burn down an entire city if you just let go for a moment?
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. That’s the best way I can describe it because when you have borderline personality disorder and you wake up on the wrong side of the bed that side is indisputable, literal hell. Everything is skewed from the moment I open my eyes. I don’t see the world with anything but anger and hatred. Nothing looks right, it’s all a cleverly devised plot to make me rip the skin from my skull. The tiniest thing can set me into a whirlwind of revulsion. No, I’m actually lying when I say that, nothing happened at all.
My boyfriend said to me this morning that if I couldn’t stop being so cranky he’d have to take me home. Some of you might see that as rude, but to me I think it’s downright sweet. In actuality what he should have said is, “You’re being an absolutely crazy bitch for no reason so get yourself together or go home”. He’s right too, and I know he is. I know my contempt and my frustration are unwarranted and yet that doesn’t make them feel any less real. A wise friend on here asked me the other day if I knew what she meant when she said she could not keep up with herself. Well here I am, unable to reel myself in. I think it’s worse when you’re cognizant of the irrationality of your thoughts and your emotions. When the anger seething through your brain is unfounded and you know that. It only reinforces the certainty that you are in no way in control of your self or your emotions.
I can’t help how I feel and I fear I never truly be able to. The feeling sickens me to no end.
inconsistently yours 
I relate to well (or, not well, depending on how you look at it) to this post. I have a question, and I was wondering if there is a way I can contact you privately? It is regarding diagnoses. If you aren’t comfortable with that, of course, I understand.
LikeLike
Absolutely. I’m comfortable with anything, haha. My email is altes319@gmail.com
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Illicit By Nature and commented:
A blogger who knows how to write so well, I had to re blog her post which explains what she is going through so well for others after an insight in to split personality disorders and also to be honest, mental instability. Great post!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on One Big Mess.
LikeLiked by 1 person
wow very relatable post. And I’m a guy. Suffering from BPD is the worst especially dealing with depression and anxiety.
LikeLike
I’m sorry you can relate, but I am glad you enjoyed the writing!
LikeLike
well….Im glad that you have come along then…nice to meet you, sorry that its on this circumstance. I do however, enjoy the writing….please feel free to stay in touch and stop by more often….Peace & Harmony to you…and may your soul find Balance. I know I sure in the hell have my days where I would much rather fight with my covers..and shut out the world completely! ;0)
LikeLike
Amazing post, really hammers home how you are feeling
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Life's Mysterious Journeys.
LikeLike
Great post. I can relate very well to this feeling. You described it perfectly!
LikeLike
I get it <3 The feeling of being out of control is the worst.
I hope you wake on the right side of the bed tomorrow. If you don't, that's okay too – you will get through it. It might not be pleasant but you can do it.
LikeLike
I’m sending a bear hug. Honestly, I don’t know what is the best way to support you. Maybe you can help me understand what I can do as your CTC sister. I’m glad you see the logic in you’re boyfriends words. He’s trying, he loves you. I’ve been thinking about you. :)
LikeLike
Feeling out of control, having to be the soap-bubble skin on whatever is trying to rage out of control inside, is a crappy experience no matter the context. It sucks that you have to go through this.
LikeLike
I love that phrase, “I cant keep up with myself.” I think we all know how that feels.
LikeLike
“I must be fine because my heart’s still beating.” – White Stripes
That quote helps me sometimes when I have panic attacks and when I wake up “cranky”, I repeat it in my head like a mantra. Don’t know if it’ll help you, but you can always try. xx
LikeLike
very relatable. I hope all is well.
LikeLike
Awesome post…..
LikeLike
I believe it was me who asked if you knew what I meant when I said I can’t keep up with myself. Am I right ? Or do I just also feel that way. Hah
Amazing post. I can quite literally feel what you are explaining , because I have these days far too often unfortunately.
Well, to be quite honest, my emotions don’t ever make it through a whole day remaining the same. I fucking wish I had that kind of grasp on my mind.
As I say, I can wake up in a violent rage , be suicidal for lunch, and elated by dinner. Rinse, and repeat.
It’s a violently unstable and absolutely terrifying cycle of a variety of exaggerated mental states, that pivot and morph frequently in response to the tiniest tidbit of provocation.
I get it , I hate it , and I love you : )
LikeLike
Thank you for this. I can relate, especially to being aware of how out of control you are and how terrified you are of that fact. I hope you regain some control soon. One of the few blessings I find in my illness is that it changes so frequently.
LikeLike
I am sorry you can relate, but you are right. I guess it’s a blessing, but you always know the bad will come back..and it never fails.
LikeLike
Yep and that is the flip side to it. When I’m at the start of a ‘bad’ I can still take comfort in knowing that it will pass. Once the ‘bad’ sets in though I only see the hopelessness in it, knowing that even though it will pass it will come back round and I’ll be back here again. I guess it depends when I am as to whether the cyclical rapid nature of it all is comfort or a threat to me.
LikeLike