Insecure Girl away!

I’ve been thinking quite a lot since first reading the writers challenge on the daily press. It was something to the effect of an origin story on how you became a writer. I don’t actually consider myself a writer, just a girl with a laptop and too much time on her hands, so I thought it’d be improper to try that out. It did get me thinking of my beginnings as something I most definitely associate with, being mentally ill.

If my mental illness was a super hero secret identity of mine I’d be probably be insecure girl. Insecure girl, able to take your words and twist them into horrible slights directed solely at herself..in a single bound! The first time I can remember these amazing super powers surfacing was in elementary school. I remember being seven or eight and being remarkably paranoid, you know just slightly more paranoid than any other normal seven year old. It was extraordinary how quickly I could convince my underdeveloped mind that every other person in my classroom hated me and was quietly plotting against me. All super heroes need to have an arch enemy, mine just happened to be my entire second grade class. I have not so fond memories of angry outbursts and frenzied whispers to myself that I would leave all these awful people behind and change schools.

I never did change schools. In fact I stayed in the same school from kindergarten until my senior year of high school with roughly the same people I called my villains. Along the way my alter ego came out quite a lot. I barely had time to hop into a telephone booth and put on a costume before I was carelessly accusing friends of devising some sinister plot against me. Every one was a suspect and nobody was save from my wrath.  When my chummy alter ego appeared I lost friends, I started meaningless fights, I cried in bathrooms and cut myself with the metal linings of pencil erasers. My kryptonite was everything and there was no telling when I’d change forms.

So there it is, the origin of my super awesome super power, being mentally ill! My dysfunctional powers include, but are not limited to:

The ability to make everything about myself!

The self esteem of a wet noodle!

The ability to cry and plead for forgiveness after spitting venomous insults only thirty seconds prior!

Amazing vision that only see’s the world in black and white, it’s really useful because everything is either all good or all bad. I don’t have to worry about that useless in between stuff!

A super cool and effective side kick that takes the form of a voice inside my head that constantly tells me why I’ll never be good enough!

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16 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

16 responses to “Insecure Girl away!

  1. Art Mowle

    Incredible writing, girl with laptop. :) I know what having mental health is all about. However I have a better name for you. Incredible Girl :) Keep the peace…..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Really like your ideas in this post. As intriguing and emotive as ever!

    Like

  3. hellokalykitty

    Ahh, I understand. *hugs*.

    Like

  4. pennylaneseriously

    Love this post!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I used to have a couple of your abilities. Mainly the ability to make everything about myself and the certainty that all are conspiring against me. Plotting my downfall.
    I was always jealous of those people that would be extroverted in public by themselves. Singing on trains, or dancing in the streets.
    Then one day I had a profound realization. No one gives a shit. Be you. Even if they do care. It doesn’t matter.
    I’m currently comfortable at the level of ‘bobbing my head to music no one else can hear’…. so I cant pretend to be a master. But getting there.

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  6. I just thought of this, don’t know if it’s true, but here’s my theory: the true friends who hang out with you long enough would get used to the insults followed by apologies, right? Wouldn’t that be an effective way for them to stop taking insults personally, from anyone? If they then get used to the idea that insults mean that person has a problem that makes them react that way, rather than causing self-doubt and hurt, wouldn’t it actually, in the long run, give them more inner strength, self-esteem AND compassion? If so, then my new superpower is finding the silver lining in everything. x)

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  7. Manic Cotton Candy

    I’m glad that there’s someone else out there who has zero control of their emotions and who has to go back and beg people to forgive the things you were so vehemently proclaiming moments before. I find great comfort in your writing as it makes me feel less alone.

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  8. It might be funny to “idealize” the bad aspects of mental illness by viewing them as superpowers; however I find more use for superheroes and great movie characters in terms of their truly good qualities. With characters like Batman (Christian Bale), Maximus / Gladiator (Russell Crowe), Odysseus (Homer) and others, I idealize them for their real persistence, courage, strength, intelligence, and triumph over adversity. I think those are the good superhero qualities we want in the long run

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  9. Your are a super hero because you have survived to the best of your ability. There are no blinders on, you know your actions, you know when you feel snickered at and best of all your strength is how you survive mental illness on a daily basis. XO We’re now Cut Throat sisters.

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  10. Amy

    I was that Insecure Girl in school as well…and still am.

    Like

  11. I know how you feel. When I was in grade school, I was constantly paranoid that everyone was out to make my life miserable. I was convinced that fellow students were always making fun of me. I interpreted every little laugh or whisper as directed toward me and about me. It was horrible. As a defense mechanism, I developed feelings of superiority towards my peers. I convinced myself that I was smarter than all of them and better off without them. My best friends were imaginary cartoon characters from favorite shows. Those were terrible years. Except for the time spent with the cartoon characters ;)

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  12. There is a lot of strength in your writing – you are very aware and true to who you are and that is something to be admired because I am sure that if we all opened up in ways you do and embraced ourselves in all its form we would not be so “true” Keep up the brilliant efforts and writing. Hugs ♥ ❤ ❥

    Liked by 1 person

  13. What if you’re misunderstanding the voice in your head?…What if there is just some breakdown of communication between that voice and your own voice…? Just throwing it out there…you don’t give yourself enough credit.

    Like

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