Fate

At what point is someone considered suicidal ? Myself , well I’ve thought about suicide since I was eleven years old. Over the past twelve years there has been fleeting thoughts, rumination and downright determination. This time is different though.
There’s a part of me that thinks this has nothing to do with my illness. A voice masquerading as logic tells me I don’t want to kill myself because I’m depressed, why should that have anything to do with it? Perhaps it’s just my fate , why should I have to blame my mental illness?
My apologies for my lack of writing recently, not to mention my complete lack of optimism. The past few days have been less than pretty. I don’t regret my decision to get off my medication and I knew there would be side effects. I just can’t wait to get over this minor hump, this lack of heart.
I hope that soon I will have witty anecdotes and a survival story for you.
Tonight, there’s only more questions.

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17 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

17 responses to “Fate

  1. gophergold

    Suicidal Ideation. At least some part of you is willing to fight that off. Having been through something similar, I understand. The important thing is to take care of your self. I hope things work out for you.

    Yeah, yeah. I know these are platitudes, I get sick of them myself. I am sincere, though.

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  2. I’ve been thinking about you. Don’t put so much stress on yourself about blogging and being witty. Your health and life are far more important. We don’t need entertaining, we’re here to help each other. Have you talked with the person monitoring your withdraw? I tried to go off Xanax w/o telling my Doc. After two days I was delusional, felt like on a bad LSD trip. I went in house for ECT the next day. ECT works well for me. The memory loss sucks, last time it was much better because they did Unipolar treatment. You control your fate. Reach out to somebody. I’m praying for you.

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    • Thank you very much. I am doing better today, though I really hate brain zaps. How long were you taking xanax for? I take it on occasion, but not every day.

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      • I’ve take several 1mg pills a day. I’m addicted but my anxiety is under control for the most part. It’s hell to withdraw so you need to do it the right way. I know first hand. I’ve been reading about Personality Disorders to better understand. I did not know there were so many sub categories. I’m here for you.

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  3. Wishing you the best. Pray you are going off meds under doctor’s supervision and care. Remember, feelings pass and recovery is possible. Sometimes recovery means trial and error to find the right meds and psychotherapeutic treatment for you. Good luck!

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  4. Sending Hugs to you xxx <3

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  5. Hang in there sweet, it takes a while but it does get better. Coming off medication was so hard for me when I did it…you will get there
    Arran

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  6. I think you’re suicidal from the moment you want to die, up until the moment you don’t any more. Which means it can fluctuate a lot. But if it’s all the time, ask for help, be good to yourself and hang in there. Celebrate every tiny victory, even if nobody else does. We will, though. xx

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    • <3 Thank you darling. Hearing from you always perks me up and I am so glad you continue to read my dreck! I am feeling better today, how are you doing?

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      • I had a bad moment on Friday (caused by alcohol and negatve people), but feeling better now. Late blogging, though. ^^’ I’m so glad if I manage to cheer you up a bit. Love your blog and your videos! They teach me things. :) xx

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  7. I tell my psych that I don’t feel the way I do because I am depressed, I am depressed because I feel the way I do.

    Hope today is better for you :)

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