I’m currently on a very special journey to being free from anti-depressants. Seven months ago when I started SSRI’s again after a three year break I had no intention of using them long term. They were merely a crutch, a fair weather friend.
Am I scared this choice will cause my brain to become overwhelmed, breaking into tiny pieces of well positioned glass severing the functionality of my mind? Of course I am. I have been down this road before. I remember my brain’s slow journey back into it’s own brand of normalcy. I remember almost being mowed down by a eighteen wheeler because my brain wouldn’t react fast enough to tell my body to move. I remember the anxiety. I remember the brain zaps.
But I also remember the beauty and freedom I felt being one hundred percent me. Knowing my emotions were my own, my decisions were my own and not some product of an altered brain chemistry. I am clearer off medication, I am happier. My intense craving for the constant companion of alcohol diminishes. I do not need to be called three or four times because I am in zombie land. No relation to the film. I spend less days perpetually fatigued, praying for the moment I can slip into my sheets only to find myself with eyes wide for hours.
I know I am making the right decision, but I can’t promise myself it will be pretty.