Have you ever woke up from a night of indulging far too much and sworn off alcohol for good, only to drink the very same night? Have you ever done this for a month straight?

I’m not sure what’s gotten into me. I can be a completely different person for months at time. Though I wonder if the starving addict is truly who I am and the dedicated sobriety is only the fevered dream of a mad woman. Perhaps that stable and put together girl hovering above her books, planning for her future, is only an illusion I maintain. Maintain might not be the correct term, since my mask is perpetually slipping.

I’m mixing medications, I’m finding it difficult to spend a night without a Xanax or a few beers. Most nights I allow myself both, just to be sure I don’t feel a thing. The days aren’t bad, because I wait patiently for the moment I allow myself to lose control. The moment when I let the anxieties slip away, the responsibilities, the care for my well being.  My addiction gene is strong, perhaps that’s all it really is. Perhaps I am making excuses for my complete lack of restraint. When does this monster on my back become an issue? One I truly need to address, that answer hasn’t come to me yet. I still wake up every morning and I have been through these phases before. Ones where a sober mind is poison, leeching at my very soul. My blood turns to pessimism and my heart beats only for punishment. I live each morning only to forget each night. I lose my emotions in a muddle of toxins, silencing each doubt with another well placed sip. I sink my anxieties into a crater that lies dormant in the corner of my mind. Each morning they return with full force and each day I become more weary, less able to face them.

I contemplate how many days left in this body I can face.



Filed under Mental Illness

9 responses to “fixation

  1. Been here. There were years when I stopped drinking. But get me around those party friends & I’m binging. I don’t get how you can do the Xanax & beer. My tolerance for mixing like that scares me. I think death. Funny though drinking 12 shots of tequila and death never entered my mind. Hope you can get a grip on this.


  2. Illicit By Nature

    I completely can relate to this, too many times have I needed an escape and gone to booze. Gone to bed some nights and wished I had a little something to ease me to dreamville. Gin Gin Gin.
    I hope you can find a happy medium soon, or that the month shifts and gives your body a break. I guess what I should be hoping for is that you find a new distraction and escape, because for me that is what it is, I don’t know if it is the same for you – but if it is I hope you can find a new one that is better than your mixing situation at current.


  3. I can’t tell you how much this speaks to me…. in fact, I’m struggling with these very thoughts myself. The only thing that seems to help me is giving into my own addictive behaviors in one way or another, and I’m such a good actor I know how to believe my own lies that I don’t feel out of control.
    I’m very proud of you for being so open and honest…this shit isn’t easy, and you’re doing a lot better than you think you are…. as you said, the thoughts and heart beat for punishment. that’s the curse of being an addict–but there’s a quote from Narcotics Anonymous that I love: “Don’t believe everything you think”. I use that term lightly for myself, because I know how hard it is to do.
    You’re honestly doing just fine. Making it from day to day is just fine. This process takes baby steps–and the fact you aren’t saying “Fuck it” without a second thought, that you’re being vocal and questioning and contemplative, is a sign you are already battling this disease.
    Hang in there, okay? Shway Shway <3


    • Thank you so very much, it makes me feel so much better knowing that people understand what I’m feeling. I suppose you’re right, I am battling it. I went without a xanax last night and sleep didn’t come easy but I felt better knowing I did it on my own.
      You hang in there too sweetie <3 :)


  4. “When does this monster on my back become an issue?” – It already is. Reread your own post, my friend. Come in out of the cold.


  5. Both people are you. The stable, together woman is who you are when you’re doing ok, and the scared little girl who’s addicted to beer and oblivion is who you become when you’ve taken on too much, held on for too long. Don’t hate the scared little girl. She’s not like that on purpose. Imagine she really is a child living in your head, one that needs reassurance and maybe a little pampering, and give yourself that. We would be so much kinder if it were someone else.

    This is actually coming straight out of what my therapist told me today. ^^ Just so you know, I’m not saying it’s easy… it’s taken me 28 years to figure out I *need* to accept my bad sides the way I accept others, and despite all my efforts, I’m still having massive trouble following that advice.


  6. Manic Cotton Candy

    I like your writing. You sound similar to me. :)


  7. I hear you .. my addiction gene is absolute. I am trying to make friends with it instead of fighting it – you know, perhaps there is a GOOD addiction I can cultivate?
    There are times when medication and alcohol is required, it seems to be the price we pay for emotions that are uncensored … how on earth could we get through the day otherwise?


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