The little things

I spent most of last night dissociated. I enjoy these nights, though I hate to admit it to myself. Hours pass in seconds, I’m absolutely blank. You wouldn’t guess there was a girl in that body at all. My body is boring..but my mind..my mind is expansive. I could live in there forever, eyes glazed over, body feeble and sluggish.

At some point in the night my boyfriend turned away from his video games long enough to reach out and touch my leg. I cringed, recoiled, pulled back. Hostility boiled in my blood, in an instant I was brought back into my sickening body. It’s painful to have to worm my soul back in between my anatomy. I stretch back into my fingertips inch by inch, my blood flows faster to make up for the lack of movement. My eyes burn from the long vacant stare, my pretty little world where nothing is real and I am weightless, where I feel nothing but a fuzzy warmth is shut out. My synapses fire rapidly, making up for lost time, shoving in violent thoughts, painful memories and suicidal ideation. The vacation is over. I am here once again and I am angry. I lay silent, slipping back into each vein. Then I fumble for my pills, benzodiazepines. Some times I can say goodbye to my pretty world until next time, some times I can let go. Last night I wasn’t ready, I opened the door back up with my chemical key and slipped into darkness again.

I find it safe to say I have a problem, but I’ll deal with it another day.

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9 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

9 responses to “The little things

  1. whenwemumble

    This is very well written! Great post

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  2. gophergold

    “I’ll deal with it another day.”

    Sometimes, that is all you can do…

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  3. Hard not to dissociate when you so enjoy that place in your mind. I’m fond of dissociating, of “daydreaming,” of talking to myself, imagining myself elsewhere. My thoughts and my imagination are both my refuge and my bane.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Can so relate. Thanks for sharing. You are a gifted writer!

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  5. Wow can so relate to that place we go to. It’s safe there isn’t it? Great post!!

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  6. Ms. Inconsistent…
    Your writing is profound. Thank you for sharing ~Michelle

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  7. I just recently discovered that I’ve been dissociating for years. I didn’t realize my brain was capable of such a thing. But I have trichotillomania, and frequently pick myself until blood is trickling without even realizing what I’ve done. I thought it was just a nasty habit that I wasn’t determined enough to kick, but I’ve started to recognize the dissociative state when it comes on. I also really enjoy it, which seems strange, to me, to say. But I can’t think of any other time when my head is clear of noise. There are no thoughts, no worries, no fears. When else can I say I am that calm? It’s just too bad I can only feel that clear when I am self-mutilating.

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