I spent most of last night dissociated. I enjoy these nights, though I hate to admit it to myself. Hours pass in seconds, I’m absolutely blank. You wouldn’t guess there was a girl in that body at all. My body is boring..but my mind..my mind is expansive. I could live in there forever, eyes glazed over, body feeble and sluggish.
At some point in the night my boyfriend turned away from his video games long enough to reach out and touch my leg. I cringed, recoiled, pulled back. Hostility boiled in my blood, in an instant I was brought back into my sickening body. It’s painful to have to worm my soul back in between my anatomy. I stretch back into my fingertips inch by inch, my blood flows faster to make up for the lack of movement. My eyes burn from the long vacant stare, my pretty little world where nothing is real and I am weightless, where I feel nothing but a fuzzy warmth is shut out. My synapses fire rapidly, making up for lost time, shoving in violent thoughts, painful memories and suicidal ideation. The vacation is over. I am here once again and I am angry. I lay silent, slipping back into each vein. Then I fumble for my pills, benzodiazepines. Some times I can say goodbye to my pretty world until next time, some times I can let go. Last night I wasn’t ready, I opened the door back up with my chemical key and slipped into darkness again.
I find it safe to say I have a problem, but I’ll deal with it another day.