a very merry unbirthday

My twenty third birthday looms ever closer, one week closer to be exact. Normally I’m a sucker for my birthday, I pump myself up months before. This year it kind of crept up on me, I didn’t even realize it was next week til yesterday. It seems strange to me this year, almost foreign. This will be my first birthday without my best friend. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have don’t remember my birthday unless I tell them the day before. I find that kind of cheating though. It doesn’t count if I have to remind someone of the most trivial detail of myself,  something that sets me apart from absolutely no one. Every one has a birthday. She always remembered though. We’d make arbitrary plans, future dates for drinks and food that would never come to fruition. She was the biggest flake I knew, and I was okay with that. The fact she remembered, hearing her say I love you, I’d kill for it just one more time. 

So here I am, a week from twenty three, with absolutely no prospects. No grad school acceptance letter yet, no full time job, no money. It’s 8:00 pm and I’m fighting anxiety with a beer in hand and my ears tuned to Supernatural. I really want to be happy tonight, I do. 



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19 responses to “a very merry unbirthday

  1. gophergold

    I don’ t know if this is appropriate or not; but Happy Birthday!


  2. Oh, I feel for you so much!
    *more hugs*
    Happy Birthday!


  3. whenwemumble

    I’m turning twenty-three in a few months and I have to agree, twenty-two has been one of the most challenging years I’ve experienced. Happy Birthday :)


  4. Oh sweetheart…the “firsts” of things without our loved ones are so hard. I’m so sorry you have experienced such a significant loss at your young age. One day at a time…one hour, one minute. Hugz


  5. It must be difficult to deal with open wounds attached to memories of your birthday. I think about my grandparents at their birthdays, anniversary, Christmas and a list of special occasions. It took a long time for the pain to turn to celebrating the good memories. You’re in the grieving process and I can see your pain. Grieving is different for each person and for our mental health it’s best not to deny those feelings. I don’t have the answer but did have an idea. Write her letter, spill it all out, ask her to celebrate with you. In your heart you know she wants the best for you. Try to enjoy something you did together or said you would. Stretch yourself to focus the love you had while she was here and one day you will see her again. Don’t be to hard on yourself. Your birthday does set you apart, it’s yours. Tomorrow is a new day, one we pray is better than today. Thinking about you.


  6. …I knew you were an Aries…you scream it.
    My birthday is on the 25th…big, warm, sisterly hugs to you Kiddo…
    you’re young, beautiful and ALL heart.. you’ve got so much love in you.
    Love YOURSELF this year, on your birthday.


  7. My birthday is on New Year’s Day and I fucking hate it. I used to mope around feeling hungover and unappreciated, until this year, which I spent with my mum and boyfriend. He told me that instead of thinking “Oh God I’m thirty in 2 years that makes me SO OLD and I haven’t fulfilled any of my dreams yet”, I should use my birthday the way we’re supposed to: to celebrate my birth. The fact that I came into the world and am still in it nearly 30 years later. To celebrate everything I’ve lived through so far, concentrate on the good memories and how I’ve managed to evolve, and thank my Mum for allowing me to exist and raising me.

    This will be difficult with your friend gone. It was never going to be easy anyway. But instead of thinking about all the birthdays you’ll have to spend without her, try remembering all the ones you spent with her, all those happy memories you made with her, how much better you are for having known her, and thank her – even if you don’t believe she can hear – for all of that. I’m sure she knew how much you love her anyway. You won’t be able to avoid thinking about her anyway, so use it to help you grieve in a “positive” way.

    But whatever you do, don’t spend your birthday alone doing nothing.
    Love xx


    • Thank you very much <3 I think having a birthday on new years would be pretty tough. Every one is off getting drunk and being happy. I will do my best to have a good one, I know I will be remembering all the love she gave me. :)


  8. Giant Dog

    Junt incidentally jumped into your blog and you make much sense. I’ve always felt so alone I think I just don’t care about a single day (twenty two springs I’ve seen), I try to make it through everyday as good as possible, and caring much of close friends and family who truly stands by me. By the way, make a happy week of your birthday!


  9. I really hope you manage to have a good birthday. I’m dreading mine in two weeks, though for different reasons completely. x


  10. ‘Tis but a number. You’re still a unique, beautiful, and important human being. No one and no age could ever take that away.


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