Happiness is slipping.

I’ve always seen happiness as a state of being that eludes me. I can’t define it, I can’t capture it. Ever the pessimist I can always find a reason to be unhappy, but hardly anything to be happy about. Every time I think I’m feeling any semblance of happiness there will come a little knock on the inside of my skull,
“Excuse me, Miss..but did you forgot that awful grade you got in college? Well you’ll probably never amount to anything now. Just thought I’d remind you, carry on. ”
I’m trying to fight this darkness, which I know is creeping in on me. I feel myself getting more agitated, my patience is slipping through my fingers. I even napped today, I hadn’t need to for weeks. I haven’t felt like it was all too much, that I could use just few hours peace from self deprecation. I understand my illness, I know what I can and can not handle. I understand when my illness becomes too heavy, and yet…I still feel guilt. I’m guilty because I can’t function like everyone else.



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13 responses to “Happiness is slipping.

  1. Ain’t that a bitch of a cycle? Being depressed and then feeling guilty about being depressed and then feeling even more depressed. It can def be tough to pull yourself out of that. Holistically, what worked for me was just befriending my affliction, even though I know that a lot of the time that can be easier said than done. Best of luck to you though.


  2. Hey darling
    ive been battling depression and ocd and a bit of paranoia for a long time. I have found that its is easy to fall prey to our own deprecating selves but ive found for me is to remain active and not to worry about taking a nap. Its self care some thing I know ive denied myself to many times and set myself up to give it to soneone else. Although the cycle is aweful therenothing likea few meds and counsellingthat can help a lot.
    Good luck girl you deserve the best.


  3. pennylaneseriously

    Naps. I love them. I take them like cats. Naps. Cats. Hats.

    One thing I have been absolutely blown away by since I just recently started my site is that soooo many people are connecting with similar issues. Everyone is unique in their level of depression, where they are, how they handle it, what they intend to do about it…etc. But the numbers from all over the world of those who are searching and writing on subjects about depression and mental disorders is enormous. It makes me think its not so abnormal. In a way, this is comforting.

    Talk soon,


  4. It’s so easy to fall victim to that. It’s not easy to snap out of either.


  5. Being like everyone else is an illusion, we’re all different, we’ve just become skilled at conforming to create the illusion of being the same.


  6. I guess I’m one of the “everyone else” on account of, I’m not you. Well guess what – I feel a similiar way to you. Maybe there is no normal. Maybe there is no pure happiness. Maybe we’re all on different versions of the same crazy journey to find it – and having different degrees of success. <3 Don't be too hard on yourself. I totally get the guilt – I feel it too. But really, what is this normal we constantly compare ourselves to?


  7. Amazing post. Fucking guilt on top of it all.


  8. I know that guilt. But maybe, just maybe, nobody else knows how to function like you. Because if everyone else had to experience what you experience, they probably wouldn’t be able to survive and cope and carry on as you have. Don’t underestimate the strength it takes to be non-functional. <3


  9. Reblogged this on Are. You. Mental? and commented:
    Thank you for sharing.


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