Megan.

Borderlines have a special relationship with grief because we fear abandonment above all else. Most professionals say it’s due to an abandonment, neglect or invalidation in childhood, frankly I don’t know. All I know is that I avoid abandonment like the plague, clinging to people at all costs. I’ve indulged in my most reckless endeavors when I’m trying to avoid abandonment. Including, but not limited to, overdosing on sleeping pills, attempting to jump from a moving vehicle and bashing my head into a brick wall in hopes I would pass out. These tactics are manipulative, I’ll allow you that, but they come from a place of desperation not malice.

So what happens when a borderline loses someone they love, permanently. Wiped from the earth permanently I mean.  I was faced with this question on August 15th 2013 when the body of my best friend was discovered. I’d experienced death before, all but one of my grandparents were gone, but I expected these deaths. They were an end to a full life. A work colleague died in a car accident in 2011, I only knew him a month or two, but it shook my young mind nonetheless. Then her death came, my other half, my confidant of fifteen years, the only person I could be candid around, who knew my every thought before it reached my lips. Gone, in a flash of fists, muffled words and strong choking hands. I feared every one. The few months following her death were a blur, I guess I went to classes, I have the degree to prove I did. My heart wasn’t in it, my head wasn’t in it. I isolated myself, angry at every one. What’s the point of even leaving this bed if every one I love will leave me? I longed to lay down in the dirt where she was left, for two weeks, I longed to somehow drift away into a peaceful death where I could be with her. 

It’s been a little over six months and it’s not easier, but it is different. I ache for her every morning when I wake up. I dream she’s still with me, before my rational brain screams “she’s dead” in my ear and I’m woken up with a jolt. The abandonment is real, there is only loss, but I’m learning to love and cherish the good. I’m learning to use my grief to motivate my own life.

I love my angel.

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19 Comments

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19 responses to “Megan.

  1. I am sorry for your loss. I don’t know what it’s like to be borderline, but I know the horror and despair I feel being type I bipolar, and how much I frighten myself at times.

    I hope you come to peace with it. Learning to see the good things in life can be a wonderful thing.

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  2. I’m so sorry you lost her. It really sucks how unfair life is. I’m amazed that you managed to get a degree with that going on, it’s a huge achievement. Keep going, you’re doing great. xx

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    • It is. I was pretty numb my kart semester. Mostly I kept it compartmentalized in a little area of my brain abs didn’t allow myself to truly deal with it till I was free of other stressors. I knew I just had it finish

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  3. You are so self aware and your writing transparent. Thank you for sharing. It helps me to know I’m not alone with my struggles. Xo

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  4. Amy

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have a major fear of abandonment, especially when it comes to romantic relationships, so every time I feel like I have disappointed him or made him mad I believe so strongly that he will leave me, and I just fall apart like it’s the end of the world. And usually it’s over something very small and silly that he’s not even that angry about, but at the time it’s monumental.

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  5. I KNEW we shared something fundamental .. I read your words and they somehow always speak to me .. we are worlds apart in age and geography (I think) but, there is an emotional and psychological landscape that somehow makes sense. I’m so glad I found your blog.

    My dad (who I didn’t really know) died when I was 19, my mother, when I was 23. I too had a best friend who knew every part of me and loved me anyway .. she married my LT ex, the father of my kids and then refused to have anything to do with me after they got married and, so, I lost her to.

    The very nature of BPD is not just the fear that everybody leaves — it is the knowledge that it cannot be otherwise … and when they go, even after we have cut ourselves, bled for them, cried and raged, they are somehow indifferent … that is our fate … to know that everybody leaves, no matter how hard we try to show them that leaving us is tantamount to death.

    Every day we live with the knowledge that love will never be ours really .. it’s a bomb waiting to go off … and we wait in fear of the day when it does.

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  6. txbutterfly3

    thanks for reading mine, this was the first one I landed on when I hit your page * hugs *. I know the emptyness you feel. People used to tell me time will heal, it will get easier, it doesn’t. You hit the nail on the head ‘different’. you live a different kind of life, you live for the ones you lost, you treasure the moments. loss doesn’t get easier ever. with each person, unexpected or not, it doesn’t get easier. for me, I lean on Faith, and I lost that for years, but in my grief and despair I found my way again. I’m here if you need me <3

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  7. Art Mowle

    I have been so touched by your sharing.I too have suffered for many years from mental illness and I chose to drink alcoholically for 43 years and ignore the fear of abandonment.I’m gaining on life now but the pain remains.Thank you so much for sharing.

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  8. I am so, so sorry for your loss, especially of a loved one so close to you. Our fear of abandonment is debilitating and i know i live in fear of it happening everyday. Sending you healing Hugs xx

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  9. this really touched me, im so sorry for your bereavement, I deliberately dont say loss; my grandfather (and one of my best friends) died late last year and I hated when people said that. I wasnt careless, I didnt misplace him, he was taken from me. I know you feel the same way from reading this. Lots of love and happy thoughts, she will always be with you in the beautiful memories you created x

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  10. hdenn93

    I’m really sorry for your loss, but I think you’re so brave for sharing and allowing people like me who don’t suffer from the same mental illness to understand yours. Keep strong, and keep posting it’s wonderful what you’re doing! xx

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  11. In sharing this you are certainly helping others which is a powerful path to healing. Sounds like she is still with you, an angel to guide you. Sending light and love.

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  12. Big Hugs.
    Very moving but great that you Can express it. X

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