Borderlines have a special relationship with grief because we fear abandonment above all else. Most professionals say it’s due to an abandonment, neglect or invalidation in childhood, frankly I don’t know. All I know is that I avoid abandonment like the plague, clinging to people at all costs. I’ve indulged in my most reckless endeavors when I’m trying to avoid abandonment. Including, but not limited to, overdosing on sleeping pills, attempting to jump from a moving vehicle and bashing my head into a brick wall in hopes I would pass out. These tactics are manipulative, I’ll allow you that, but they come from a place of desperation not malice.
So what happens when a borderline loses someone they love, permanently. Wiped from the earth permanently I mean. I was faced with this question on August 15th 2013 when the body of my best friend was discovered. I’d experienced death before, all but one of my grandparents were gone, but I expected these deaths. They were an end to a full life. A work colleague died in a car accident in 2011, I only knew him a month or two, but it shook my young mind nonetheless. Then her death came, my other half, my confidant of fifteen years, the only person I could be candid around, who knew my every thought before it reached my lips. Gone, in a flash of fists, muffled words and strong choking hands. I feared every one. The few months following her death were a blur, I guess I went to classes, I have the degree to prove I did. My heart wasn’t in it, my head wasn’t in it. I isolated myself, angry at every one. What’s the point of even leaving this bed if every one I love will leave me? I longed to lay down in the dirt where she was left, for two weeks, I longed to somehow drift away into a peaceful death where I could be with her.
It’s been a little over six months and it’s not easier, but it is different. I ache for her every morning when I wake up. I dream she’s still with me, before my rational brain screams “she’s dead” in my ear and I’m woken up with a jolt. The abandonment is real, there is only loss, but I’m learning to love and cherish the good. I’m learning to use my grief to motivate my own life.
I love my angel.