Am I right, guys? It’s been one day since I’ve written anything and I’ve been pining for it. It’s become sort of a ritual for me, a release. Have a glass of wine or two, spill out every painful and distressing secret and then wake up tomorrow and dust myself off for another day.
Yesterday my boyfriend confessed that I scare him when I become really “manic”. I use quotations because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with a mood disorder, though I certainly suspect one. It was a little disheartening to say the least. I can get very..high we’ll say. I’m laughing at everything, talking gibberish, not being able to control the words coming out of my mouth, let alone their volume. This frightens him. Funny, I’ve never thought of myself as frightening. I feel like entertaining in those times, that every joke that comes from my lips is a pure gem. That every idea I have is absolutely perfect and will go off without a hitch. How could that be scary? It’s exhilarating. How could anyone deny me that feeling? They never will because I will never come clean to a doctor, not till my mind entirely cracks and I end up in a hospital. I’ve heard too many horror stories of creativity and pleasure corroding away with each swallow of mood stabilizers.
I just never thought I could scare someone without even showing my temper, or violence or instability. I guess we can’t always see it.
So I pose a question to you, my fellow followers who are also mentally ill, Have you been shocked to find out something you did or believed wasn’t normal?
inconsistently yours 
I appreciate your candid accounts of the days and sharing your thoughts with us!
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I am usually able to contain my ‘untoward’ thoughts/moods/etc .. it comes with age … but my recent ex was completely freaked out with my depressive/suicide stuff .. understandably … he has completely changed his mind about who I am …. after 15 months on knowing me well.
I was shocked because he considers himself liberal + open-minded but … gee .. strong emotions? Can’t have that.
I was shocked by his reaction yes … I guess it doesn’t come under your banner (here) of ‘normal’ however.
Most of the time, if I am on a high, people just think I am ‘bubbly’ … lol
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I am always shocked when someone does not find my mania as entertaining and exhilarating as I do. Especially when I am very manic and very creative in my mind. My meds do make me very mellow, I can even see it in my writing. They also make it hard to focus, although my mania does the same. It bothers me when my partner says she is bothered by my mania because to me I think it is great . . .until I do something stupid.
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Were you upset when she told you it bothers her? I’m so overly sensitive with the BPD so when he told me I scared him I felt weird. I always knew I was a little odd, but I never saw my behavior as frightening to anyone. I just thought I was you know… silly. Thanks for replying :)
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I have Bipolar and my manic episodes are enough to scare anyone who knows me. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if you got an evaluation. As for losing creativity, that’s just an excuse for people who don’t want or like taking medication. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself to keep myself on my medication. ;) Who knows. But without jumping to conclusions, if you feel it necessary and this “manic” mood gets too much, an evaluation could be helpful. Co-morbid conditions aren’t that uncommon.
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Hmm you are probably right. Though I am on medication! I’m on anti-depressants for a while now.
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If you are bipolar, antidepressants are the worst thing to be taking (at least, some of them.) They can induce mania, and they don’t keep depression at bay for long, they just create worse and worse episodes. (I speak from experience. Despite mentioning my minor mania to doctors for years, they didn’t listen until a few months ago.)
I’ve always been resistant to medication, especially now that I know my highs are “bad.” I look back on my summers of mania fondly; at the time, I thought everyone felt that way, that this was the norm for people who weren’t depressed.
But mania has a way of leading to dangerous and scary behavior, and as I’ve read more and more memoirs by people who’ve been there, I’m convinced to stay on my medication, at least for now. Mania can be just as damaging as depression, if allowed to run its course.
But enjoy it, for sure, and keep an eye out for signs that you could be losing control. And if your depression just keeps coming back, consider mentioning the mania to your doctor, to see if your current meds might be causing it.
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Thank you so much for your comments. I’m not even sure if there is anything wrong with my moods. I’ll see a doctor eventually, but thank you so much for commenting. I helped me understand a little more. I actually have had an experience in the past where I was on an SSRI and become really manic and doing terribly unsafe things and all around not being myself. I am trying a different SSRI two years later after I lost my best friend because I was having trouble coping..but to be honest. I don’t think it’s made my depressive states any better at all..
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<3
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That is good advice. No one likes taking medication, but it should help with the extremes.
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I starting following you after you stopped by my blog. Yes, you’re blogs have scared me. I’m Bipolar and no one without my symptoms will understand the things I do or say. I’ve been married 12 years and when I hit the bottom my husband gets very worried. What I learned like many people with Mental Illness, it takes seeing several doctors to find the right one. The right type of doctor can mean life or death. I worry when people are on meds from their general physician. You have a illness that requires special skills and someone who can recognize when the med is not working. Your blogs show your pent up anger. People like us have to accept we need a therapist and a damn good psychiatrist. What is more important to you, creativity or life? That was the choice I had to make. I’ll keep you in my thoughts. If you want to talk you know where to find me.
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Your post really touched my heart and it has fueled me that I do need a proper doctor. I graduated a few months ago so I lost my free psychologist and I am on zoloft now, but my mother has been pushing so hard I get off of it. Thank you for your kind words, I do think I need to go back to seeing someone :/ I’m just scared because my parents do not accept my mental illness at all.
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I’m glad you’re reaching out to a professional. I know how hard it is for parents/family to understand an illness they don’t/or won’t understand. I tried to hide my depression after being manic for so long. Manic was the norm but there isn’t a norm for us. Everyday is different but you have to own it. Start educating your parents on the illness and maybe have one or both go on an appt. with you once you get settled with a new doctor. I have taken over 45 different meds and have a Vagus Nerve Stimulator. I work very honestly with my doctor and we decide if it’s time to change meds. I know it is difficult without a strong support system however you have to think about yourself first. It’s hard for me to do but if I don’t keep a pulse on how I’m feeling it can get out of control. A simple way to track your mania/depression is take a sheet of paper, one for each day and draw a line across the middle. Write 1-5 under the line and 5-10 on top. The 1-5 under is how depressed you feel. The 5-10 are when you’re going up and top of the scale is scary manic. I would jot a note by the day if I was moving above the line or falling to far down. This method helped me learn the different behaviors and begin to understand when I need to call my doctor. Some of the teaching hospitals have services for a reduced rate. If you have a top notch school close I would contact them. If they don’t offer ask who you could call. Keep your head up and tell yourself you are important. Our life will never fit into anyone else’s box including your own. Soul searching and stability will allow you to accept yourself. Remember you have a support system on WordPress.
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Thank you so much and I absolutely love you guys and your support <3 I am actually starting grad school in September at either Hunter or Columbia college and I will definitely be taking full advantage of the resources. I may indeed see a doctor before then. <3
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I used to have this thing where I would watch the second hand of my watch until it reached 50, and then suddenly look away. It could never be 51, otherwise I’d have to start again with the next minute…. on another topic, I don’t think you have to think of yourself as “mentally ill” to have these kinds of issues. IMO, “mental illness” is an understandable response to a crazy environment, and so is not really illness or craziness at all. Anyway, that was quite off topic :-)
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I like to call myself “neurodiverse.” :D
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Lovely blog and thoughts….I’m a new follower from Italy!! A big big kiss. SImona
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It’s not related to my being depressed (except that maybe it’s part of the cause) but when I was younger, I had a tendency to be very enthusiastic about things, and I’d laugh twice as long as everyone else. People, including my family, thought this was weird, and would tell me to calm down, so I got very shy and started hiding my enthusiasm, effectively stamping it out.
Then I met my current boyfriend. He has this odd but effective thing he does, whereby he presses down on my solar plexus (because apparently that’s where I tense up when I’m repressing stuff) and it lets all the repressed emotions out. It wasn’t that surprising when I cried then, but once I just started laughing hysterically. He found it amazing. Since then I’ve always felt ok being enthusiastic about things that others would find silly, because that’s part of what made him fall in love with me. If I had to suppress it in front of him, I would be in a much worse state than I am now.
But that’s a part of my original nature, and has nothing to do with being mentally ill. If your manic periods scare your boyfriend, I’d guess it’s the unpredictability of them that scare him, perhaps? Maybe he’s scared you’ll get overconfident and take risks that put your life in danger or something. Try to get him to explain exactly what scares him the most. xx
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oh my gosh…yes…so many times people have said…..you made me nervous…or id didn’t know how to handle you then….or you were very boisterous….or-you just plain scared me with your energy and chatter. It was a surprise, because as you said…I thought I was being brilliant and funny, but others did not take it that way. Later, I would look back and see the fear in their eyes as I rattled around in my brain…..Yes Allie…have been there too.
My motto is…this too shall pass……thank goodness the manic is short-lived.
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Good to know you have been there! Yes, I swear I’m like the funniest most clever person ever and my boyfriend just stares at me. I usually figure he just doesn’t get how really funny I am :P
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