Am I right, guys? It’s been one day since I’ve written anything and I’ve been pining for it. It’s become sort of a ritual for me, a release. Have a glass of wine or two, spill out every painful and distressing secret and then wake up tomorrow and dust myself off for another day.
Yesterday my boyfriend confessed that I scare him when I become really “manic”. I use quotations because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with a mood disorder, though I certainly suspect one. It was a little disheartening to say the least. I can get very..high we’ll say. I’m laughing at everything, talking gibberish, not being able to control the words coming out of my mouth, let alone their volume. This frightens him. Funny, I’ve never thought of myself as frightening. I feel like entertaining in those times, that every joke that comes from my lips is a pure gem. That every idea I have is absolutely perfect and will go off without a hitch. How could that be scary? It’s exhilarating. How could anyone deny me that feeling? They never will because I will never come clean to a doctor, not till my mind entirely cracks and I end up in a hospital. I’ve heard too many horror stories of creativity and pleasure corroding away with each swallow of mood stabilizers.
I just never thought I could scare someone without even showing my temper, or violence or instability. I guess we can’t always see it.
So I pose a question to you, my fellow followers who are also mentally ill, Have you been shocked to find out something you did or believed wasn’t normal?