compulsive violence

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I’ve danced with the devil again, the orange juice and rum sticks to my tongue. My head is aching and swimming with thoughts and self doubt. I wish the incessant buzzing would stop. My OCD is running rampant on my tender brain. It’s all flashes of knives dragging across skin and the brutal dissection of loved ones. I’ve learned to be at peace with these images, these things people would damn me for. I let them roll in like a tide and I barely worry if it shows on my face anymore. My thought process is bombarded with violent images and yet I mean no pain. I have a disorder, and I’ve tried to explain it but all I’ve ever heard back is, “that’s not OCD, you’re a psychopath”. “You really need to be put away”. So I secretly dream of disembowelment and wearing intestines like a scarf. So it’s hard  for me to engage in a professional conversation without imagining taking a pencil to my colleagues eye. Am I crazy? Sure. But I couldn’t hurt a fly. I have intrusive violent thoughts, I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I’m no monster. Please, educate yourselves before you come to my door with your pitchforks and fire.

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19 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

19 responses to “compulsive violence

  1. Intrusive thoughts are horrible. I would never lay a finger on my girlfriend or family but seeing images playing in front of my eyes of hurting them is horrible. Still working on being at peace with them myself at the moment but I’ll get there, I know it’s something I’d never do and that horrible obsessive part of OCD playing tricks on me. Totally agree, I wish people would educate themselves a little before jumping to conclusions with things like this!

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    • Thanks for your comment! It’s good to know someone understands. I’m not entirely in control of them, but I’m no longer letting them control me. Before I’d get a great deal of anxiety, scared I’d act on it but now I trust myself enough and have learned that they are merely obsessions brought on by my disorder. They hold no power over me when I can define them as such. Good luck to you!

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  2. Your brain is really mean to you. :( This reminds me of a TED talk I once saw by a schizophrenic woman who said that she heard voices telling her they’d harm her family, and in the end she learned that what they were expressing were her fears. Perhaps the difference is that you’ve somehow managed not to reject that part of you so completely that it had to come back in the form of something exterior in order to express itself. Making peace with something like that can’t be easy. xx
    PS – found the link. http://www.ted.com/talks/eleanor_longden_the_voices_in_my_head.html

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  3. gophergold

    I understand. It’s like my brain has a mind of its own.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Maria

    Although I haven’t experienced OCD, I understand the struggle of dealing with violent intrusive images. Whenever my depression has me spinning into the darkest confines of my brain’s imagination, it’s like the images completely consume me. Beyond fearing other people’s judgement, I always find it incredibly difficult not to judge myself. Suffering with things like this, it’s almost impossible not to fall into a cycle of self-loathing.

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  5. Interesting – I sometimes have intrusive thoughts, but not about me hurting others, but others hurting me – like strangers suddenly turning round and slapping me, or my workmates pushing my face on the hot grill. I never have images of myself hurting people – what does this mean?

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    • I don’t think it means anything. I have thoughts of hurting myself or being brutally murdered a lot. I just think it’s what your brain produces. I’ve got a lot of anger in me though so that may contribute to it!

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  6. Amy

    I’m glad I found your blog! I can relate so much to what you wrote. I, too, have the constant intrusive thoughts that come along with OCD, many being of violent or sexual nature. I rarely tell anyone about the specifics of them because I am so afraid of being judged as a bad person for them. OCD is a really hard illness to understand unless you experience it yourself. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on it with the world. I know it will help many to not feel so alone.

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  7. Inconsistently,
    Thank you for your like on my post. I have been interested to read some of your entries. About this post, I relate very much to the intrusive violent thoughts. I had them both toward myself and toward other people. At first, it was quite scary and I wondered if I were crazy or a sociopath. But over time, you realize how acting on thoughts is very different than having them. I came to understand that they were natural, spontaneous expressions of my feelings, particularly rage and wanting to take revenge on people. When I stopped judging and could accept the violent fantasies as symbolizing understandable, normal (for the situation I was in) feelings, then it got a lot easier to tolerate them and even to learn from what they were trying to tell me.

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    • I absolutely agree. Before I understood they were OCD too was scared. When I was able to understand that it was part of my OCD the thoughts had less power over me. They usually don’t even cause me anxiety anymore because I accept them for what they are. Thank you for reading! I look forward to reading more of your writing!

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