and here I sit on a Friday night, almost seven o clock, blissfully aware that I have little to no intimate relations. Not for lack of trying, I promise. I have attempted friendships here and there over the years, they’ve all gone positively normally but for some reason they evaporate. No big blow out, no disagreement, people just stop thinking about me all together. It’s one of the reason’s why I sometimes question if I even exist. If I’m really and truly here, then why is it I’m alone in my room with a bottle of wine and an aching heart.
I’ve all but convinced myself I like it better this way, it makes it easier when no one calls. “I’d get too anxious if I went out anyway” “Being alone gives me more time to work on my writing”. The excuses sound funny after drilling them into my head so many times. It’s better this way, isn’t it?
I’m not alone though, the bottle is my friend. I don’t really allow myself to be truly alone, completely sober and alone with my thoughts. I just can’t handle them. I don’t think I could ever describe to someone how it truly feels to have borderline personality disorder. I often equate it to if you had no skin to protect your precious organs. I have no skin to protect me. So here I am, with a glass of wine in my hand, trying to drown out every emotion.
inconsistently yours 
Ah … I think I know that feeling.
I’ve often wondered whether I would fit the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder, but quite frankly am less interested in diagnoses and more interested in strategies to, well, stay living, and then live well! I do understand that having the right diagnosis can guide your treatment. Perhaps that’s why I’m responding so well to DBT … ah, look, the most important thing is that I know where my fraiities lie, and am working on them.
I hope you enjoy your wine. X
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Thank you darling <3 DBT is a wonderful thing :)
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I can relate most definitely.
i am bipolar and have lost every single friend I’ve had down the road. Never tragically, we just always drifted. When I’m not surrounded by people i feel empty and alone. I drown out my sorrow in endless liquor. I know it’s a problem but if only to feel peaceful for one moment.
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I totally know the feeling of not feeling like you have any friends; to feel like you could go an entire month and never have your phone ring unless it’s your parents.
And for me oddly it’s so much a mental battle, in the sense that there have been many nights where I felt that way, happened to find an opportunity to go out somewhere, and then immediately felt happier and like I no longer needed to go out, and often I wouldn’t.
I think I like being alone at times, but I don’t like being forced to be alone. It’s an odd phenomenon.
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I know just what you mean, though I am still upset when I choose to be alone myself. I never trust my own choices. Thank you for reading and it’s good to meet someone who understands. :)
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Yea for sure. It’s cool how we both wrote about the same thing at the same time. Hope you travel well :)
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Wow. I feel you. Big time.
My only friend has been a non-alcoholic but incredibly harmful substance for years. Until last Tuesday. I am currently trying to just stay alive until work ends in May.
You are right, you are not alone. I, and many others are right beside you. I have no good friends left, like yourself not through disputes but a lack of contact / real friendships in the first place. It is very hard.
Keep writing. I am now one of your biggest fans. You will find real friends. As long as you look. So will I.
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Thank you so much and it’s good to know there are others who struggle with similar things. :) Have a good day!
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I know how that feels. It’s taken me years to finally make some friends close enough to stick around when I moved country (which is a thing I like to do every decade or so). I’ve learned two things: 1) even true friends are usually so wrapped up in their own problems that they don’t notice what’s going on with you, but when you call them, they’ll be there. 2) I don’t exist for other people. This is something that I occasionally realise, epiphany-like, only to forget it for another couple of months or so. One day maybe I’ll figure it out for good. Have courage. xx
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I am working very hard on realizing that myself. :) I definitely still need some work. Thank you! :)
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I know how it feels to lose friends. I’ve had so many over the years who just stopped thinking about me! And when I pointed it out to them, they always had a ‘good’ excuse. Bullshit.
But then I started blaming myself. Maybe I’d done something that drove them away. Again, bullshit.
I just taught myself not to think about them – very hard indeed, but I could not always be the one caring and thinking about the other, it just made it feel worse that they didn’t.
You’re not alone!
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Thank you! I’m working on not thinking about the ones who I never really mattered to. :/ It sucks. we’re such nice people too!
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I’m doing the same thing as you right now. Convincing myself that I’m better off being alone. Hopefully we’ll find peace in it soon.
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Alcohol helps .. until it doesn’t. I love the early, blurry feeling but I seem to get past that to the ‘fuck it hurts even more now’ stage quicker than I used to. Alcohol isn’t a friend, but it’s not an enemy either …. perhaps it’s just a companion.
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Yeah, I was at the stage where it was still my friend..later came the weeping, cutting, head banging misery. :/
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I can completely relate to this post, I know this feeling all too well.
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