crackle & spit

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Some days I am brimming with creativity. I find myself absolutely riveting. Thoughts carelessly trying to all jump out of my frontal lobe at once and land onto my fingertips. Their order isn’t significant, just that they fill up a white blank box. This box mirrors who I want to be, how I want to feel. This box contains the things I can’t bare to keep contained in myself. I don’t like to sit with thoughts and feelings. Feelings can burn through me like a wildfire, eating up every decent or pleasant perception I’ve ever had.

Currently my chest is tightening, my fingers curling up with fabricated pain. My eyes start to squint and I clench my jaw till my teeth hurt. I told myself not to be anxious today. I told myself not to let my agitation get the better of me. I told myself to relax.

Funny, I don’t think I’ve ever been the definition of relaxed in my life. I’m falling faster into a chasm of self pity and self loathing. I am no good. I can’t create. No one cares to hear what senseless musings your damaged brain spawns. It’s bull shit. It’s boring. You’re boring.

I thought getting this out would cleanse my clamored mind, but here I am with my veins tense and my heart pounding. I wish I could control myself and how my anxieties manifest. Tuck my hatred for myself deep into my heart so it could live happily festering away at my anatomy until I fall apart from the inside out. Then no one could say I did it to myself. No one could blame me.

Such a shame, the poor girl just decomposed and no one saw it coming.

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14 Comments

Filed under Mental Illness

14 responses to “crackle & spit

  1. Oof. I feel ya. We are both our ups and downs. Don’t stop writing.

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  2. I read myself into the few paragraphs your wrote. It is amazing I feel the exact same things but I am much older and just dealing with the depth of them now. Your writing is professionally creative more power to you.

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  3. So much of your writing sounds like my own. At the very least, sounds like my own thought processes. What treatments have you tried so far!

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    • I have been in psychotherapy and I’ve used a DBT self help book. I’m not currently in therapy because I graduated college and I definitely can’t afford therapy on my own. I’m waiting to go back to school before I start again. How about you?

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      • If you also have PTSD or traumatic memories which contribute to the BPD, you should definitely look into EMDR. I posted a review of the therapy on my blog if you need more info.

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      • Thanks ! I’ll check it out

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      • I’ve done DBT twice, but did not complete all the modules. They have strict rules about attendance and I was very pregnant during the last part of the course, so was not able to finish it. I do a lot of research on my own, so most of the concepts were review for me. My last few therapists have disagreed with the diagnosis because I am far too ‘self-aware’. When I’m really stressed out I do see a reoccurrence of some BPD symptoms, but otherwise, I’m kind of NOS all over the board these days. Can’t really pin anything down for a clear cut dx.

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  4. It’s difficult when you’re so judgemental with yourself. I used to be like that. I can’t exactly describe what made me let go, but it was a mix between outside encouragement and telling myself it didn’t matter if I was no good, I need to write, it’s part of me and that’s not going to change so no matter what happens to the ideas, they have to come out.

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    • Thank you, I’m glad you can understand. I’ve been this way since..well as long as I’ve had memory. I think I will always be incredibly hard on myself.

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      • Maybe the key is the make the most of the times when you’re feeling good to do something productive, which can justify you using the bad times to take care of yourself. Extremely inconvenient and difficult to pull off, though.

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  5. Your writing is so transparent, prolific. You are courageous to share on mental illness, a topic which many shun and have the archaic belief that mental illness is for the weak, the crazy, the selfish. I will definitely be following your blog. Thanks for putting yourself out there. ♥

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  6. You would think that the person you can most rely on is yourself. But that isn’t always the case when your brain does its own thing outside of how you want it to feel and process. It is the most frustrating thing when you don’t know what to expect from yourself or that you have limited ability to control or fight it. Thank you for sharing so that you aren’t the only one supporting yourself. We all support you, too! <3

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